Friday, October 19, 2007


In my last post, I referenced my "friend" April. Now that she has posted on her blog about our relationship, I can tell you that while she is most definitely my friend, she is oh-so-much-more. She is mother to Madison's sisters. She gave us a gift for which we will never be able to say a mere "thank you" or repay. Madison explains it best when she says she was “born in April’s tummy.”

April is our birthmom.

I call her “our” birthmom because while she physically gave life to Madison, she also gave new life to Tuck and me. We would not have become parents if she hadn’t trusted the Lord’s plan for her to place this angel into our arms.

There are still many people in our lives that have a tough time understanding how we can have such an open relationship with the person who gave birth to Madison.

How can we not?

decision to give life to the child in her womb was unbelievably challenging, took unexplainable courage and is the greatest gift of love imaginable. Then she chose to listen to her heart, where God was speaking, and place that tiny life into the arms of a family that she believed was chosen by Him. I can’t fathom trusting God that much, but she did. And now she and her girls are part of our family.

April’s love for Madison, Tucker and me is impossible for me to put into words. April, however, said it perfectly in a poem she wrote for our girl's birthday last year. I’ll leave it to her to show you why she is Family.

My precious child this simple rhyme is for you
Although you are not here, in my heart you remain
Dreams of your smile and laughter resonate in my soul
I carry you with me wherever I go
Sweet prayers I whisper to God up above
Over you I know He watches and guards
Now go my love for it is not with me that you were meant to be

Coincidence I do not believe this can be
Lovingly He whispers into my heart
All along this was His master plan
Into the world I would bring you to be
Ready for you they were waiting joyfully
Eager to make a home for you just as God designed it to be

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

10, 20, 30, 40....

My friend, April, got this idea from her friend and I enjoyed it so much I'm turning it into a tag-meme so I can hopefully see some other histories.

Where were you 10, 20, 30, 40+ years ago?

10 years ago, October 1997… I was 29 and about to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with my best co-captain (in Nov). We lived in our first home with our two dogs – a Sheltie and Shepherd mix. Our 60-year-old home had a third bedroom that was so tiny we called it the half-bedroom, a bath and half-bath that were back-to-back, no central air and a basement that flooded, had large roaches, mice and even had a bird flying around one time! But it also had a beautifully remodeled kitchen, textured walls painted like Pottery B@rn, hardwood floors throughout and it was ours. We loved it.

20 years ago, October 1987… I was 19 and in my first year at SMSU (now MO State). I had just completed a year and a half at the local junior college and decided to go out of state for my education degree. I was living in the dorms and making terrible choices in my first year away from home. Being lost as I was (I accepted Christ as my Savior in '98), I continued to make bad choices all 4 years in college and right up until I met my husband on my birthday in 1995.

30 years ago, October 1977… I was 9 and healing from 2nd and 3rd degree burns on my hands and arms. One month earlier, I’d been playing in my back yard’s weeping willow tree when a friend (higher in the tree) stepped on a live power line. I will never forget watching the sparks fly between my hands and the tree trunk. Also won't forget the smell. We'd been playing in the tree because we had school canceled for about a week. One of the worst floods in KC history had hit September 12 & 13, killing 20+ people, flooding the Plaza up to many businesses’ ceilings and flooding our basement up to the top step of the lower level of our home (our old neighborhood has since been converted to a park; 15-20 homes were torn down a few years ago due to repeated flooding).

40 years ago, October 1967… I was 3½ months in my mother’s womb! I have no memories of this (hee-hee) but it tells you that I’m coming upon a dreaded milestone birthday. The only other birthday that was tough for me was 35. I didn’t stress about 30 or any others, really, but 35 reminded me that I was close to 40. Remember the line from “When Harry Met Sally”?

Sally: And I'm gonna be forty.
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday. (she was wailing this!)

Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like this big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73.

That’s totally me. And now that “someday” is just 5+ short months away.

So that’s my history in 10-year-highlight-fasion. Now I tag Marie, Michele, Addie and Sarah. I hope you have as much fun as I did… and NONE of you will get to go back as far as I did. Hey, now that I think about it, what am I doing hanging out with such nubile, hot, young moms?!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007


For those who have listened to my cries and worried for my heart in our battle to grow our family, please know how much I love and appreciate you.

While it's still a challenge at times (rightfully so), I would like you to know that my perspective has changed. I fully realize how blessed I am to have my family... to be a mom no matter how God chose to make that so. I no longer NEED to give physical birth to a child. I don't NEED that to complete me as a woman, as a person, as a mom.

I have read countless blogs, news articles, emails about adoption, infertility, loss of infants, multiple miscarriages, etc, etc... but none has touched my soul as this one. And this incredible video in honor of a little guy who lived just 99 days gives one real perspective.

Think I'll go kiss my sleeping girl.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Update on our boat...

I’m Wife to a warm, hilarious, incredible man who tolerates my moods and who has been my very best friend for 12½ years. I’m Mom to an intelligent, loving, girly, strong-willed, beautiful little human being who edifies and challenges me daily. I am a child of God who desires nothing more than trusting His plan for my life. And I am a woman who has never given physical life to a child.

I started this blog as a way to journal about our infertility trial – the boat we’re in, so to speak. I figured it would be a way to help my friends and family understand me, a way to help me process my thoughts and feelings and a way to track the ups and downs of our journey in growing our family. My prayer has always been that our trial could help someone in the same boat; maybe this blog will help.

We’ve been trying to have a baby since January 1998. After 16 IUI’s, 5 surgeries, countless drugs, one miscarriage, one perfect adoption and one failed IVF, we are again playing the waiting game.

For the past 16 months we’ve been trying to adopt a sibling for Madison. Initially we had a long dry spell, which was followed by several situations that have not resulted in a baby for us. While it’s been tough to not be chosen, we have the utmost faith in God’s plan and the baby He has for us.

Prior to Madison joining our family, we had 2 adoptions fall through at the last minute. Those were horribly painful and terribly tough to get through. We both began doubting that God had plans for us to ever be parents, but it wasn’t long before He heard our pleas and brought our daughter home to us. Once Madison was in our arms, there was no doubt that she was chosen for us long before we had even considered adoption.

We rest in the knowledge that while Madison’s sibling is not here YET, he/she will be here at the right time.

All of that said: if anyone reading this post knows of any birth parents who are looking for a strong Christian family to parent their baby, we would be forever grateful if you would pass along our information. We have an online portfolio which can be found at our agency’s website here.

We currently have an extremely open situation with Madison’s birthmother and birth sisters. While that works beautifully for us, we want future birth families to know we will do whatever they feel most comfortable doing.

Believe it or not, more important than telling us of any potential adoptions is prayer. Please pray for God’s will in our situation: that He makes perfectly clear to us the direction we are to go and how we are to get there. Please pray for our girl – who asks all the time, “when am I going to get a baby?” Please pray that the wait will be over soon.

Thank you so much.