Monday, February 26, 2007

my boat, finale

Wow - the end of my last post sounds so drama. To offset that, I will point out that I finally figured out how to add photos to my blog. Isn't my family beautiful?!

In 2002 I became Mom for real. I won't lie and tell you that I've loved everything about the last four years. Come on: sleepless nights, soy formula, diapers, stinky attitude, whining…(okay, so the last two apply to me, too!). That said, I KNOW God has entrusted this beautiful little person to Tucker and me. Madison couldn’t be more "fit" to our family had I physically given birth to her. Believe me, most days I feel as though I did.

Which brings me to the fact that I didn't give birth to her and will likely never give birth to a biological child. In January 2006, we tried in-vitro for the first time. There were several healthy-looking embryos and we were hopeful. Because of my age they did a test on the chromosomes and it showed no viable embryos. Not one. They said that could explain the lack of full-term pregnancy in 9+ years.

We are fully aware that God could provide a miracle pregnancy. But the more I read and listen to what God is saying, the more I realize that isn't what He has for us. Believe me, there are days when it seems just fine that I've never been pregnant: when my sister's swollen legs/feet were killing her, when my friend's nausea makes her want to vomit, when my friend can't walk because of her sciatic nerve...

But more times than not, I long for those experiences. After all, God created woman to be a companion to man and the mother of his children. Not being able to physically birth a child makes me feel inadequate, broken. Being surrounded by pregnant friends isn't easy. While I am so incredibly happy for them, it's another reminder that I won't have the swollen ankles, nausea, weight to lose... how often do I want to hollar: I'll trade you!

While there are days I feel this to my core, I also have hope in my personal relationship with God; I can call on all He has taught me during this trial. My trial is just that -- mine. My friends have trials that I wouldn't want to trade. And I can see that God's plan is so much better than my own: if we'd become parents when we planned (1 year into our marriage), we would not have the marriage we have today.

I am blessed to have a husband who is my best friend and partner in this trial. Many couples split up over infertility. We are stronger because of it -- as individuals and as a couple. And on our schedule, we wouldn't have our Madison! So you see, there is no doubt that God has made me exactly this way for a reason. And I pray daily that God can use my trial to help someone in the same boat.

So to conclude this intro to my blogging world: I am at peace with my boat, knowing my God, my husband and my daughter are in it with me. And lest anyone doubt: I am head over heels in love with my daughter! And I can't wait to meet her sibling.


Marie said...

Your story, no make that your testimony is AMAZING. Hold on to that and keep on dog paddling, even when the boat tips over, even when you try to step out and start sinking...just keep paddling. I have always had people say to me, "Oh, I wish I had a great testimony like yours...I gave my life to Christ as a child, etc., etc., etc." I sometimes think to myself that if they really knew what they were saying...they wouldn't say it. Because you see to get that "Awesome Testimony" as they call it, you've got to go through some pretty crappy times. I would have given anything to have their testimony, no wait a minute, I take that back...given the chance, I wouldn't change my life, crazy as it is, it's my life and it's what brought me to Christ, broken, afraid, lonely. It was all in His timing and I am learning that on a daily basis.

I can only imagine the hunger and the ache that you feel sometimes. I can only imagine the dark moments that it creeps up on you when you are least expecting it and it catches you off guard. I can only imagine the times you have cried out to God...WHY, WHY, WHY! I can only imagine the times you look at your best friends who are pregnant and while you rejoice with them, you climb into the shower and want to wail out loud. I can only imagine my friend. But let me tell you what I do know, what I have seen with my own eyes, what I have witnessed for myself.

There are times when you walk into a service, running late for whatever reason and your husband lights up at the mere sight of you. His posture gets "prouder", his eyes get brighter and he reaches his arm around you and all is well in his world. There are times when Maddie cries just for the opportunity to be close to you...even though, you are just in the next room and even though, she just left you two seconds ago. There are times when she reaches up for your hand or reaches over to play with your hair and those simple actions make all well in her world.

God has a plan and I know that you know that, but that doesn't make it easy. It isn't like this magic wand that takes the ache away to feel a swollen belly but I will tell you what it does do.

A dramatist named Nicole Johnson said it best when she refers to the Bible saying in Revelations 7:17, "For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." She used to believe that the scripture meant God would wipe out all tears...that suddenly you would no longer feel pain or sadness or anything like that. But she was humbled and joyful when she realized the meaning of the scripture. The Lord of all Creation will take His Hand, the same hand that created all we know and see and will gently, lovingly, brush His hand across our face and wipe away our tears.

He hears you my friend and he weeps with you. I can only imagine him saying, "Oh Daneen, my child, my faithful, loving child, how I weep with you and long for the day you can simply climb into my lap and let me make it all better!"

Stay strong and keep praying, He hears you and I can't wait to see what he has in store for you...for Tucker...for Maddie!

I love you and I am always here for you.


Daneen said...

Marie, I cried the first time I read this and I'm crying again. I feel so blessed to have you in my life, my friend. There is no doubt in MY mind why God brought you to KC. :O)
I love you, too.