Tuesday, March 27, 2007

my loooong day

Poor me. What a loooong day it becomes when you spend it saying "poor me."

One year ago today we found out that the 8 healthy-looking embryos created during our in-vitro process were, in fact, NOT healthy. Because of my age we'd had a test done prior to implanting any back into my uterus; this showed that not one of them was even viable.

While this did save us from going through the implantation, waiting for yet ANOTHER pregnancy test and getting yet ANOTHER negative result, it certainly didn't take the heartache away. In fact, in remembering that phone call, I get the same punch-in-the-stomach feeling I got a year ago. That call essentially ended our 9-year hope and belief that we could have a physical baby.

Here's the really crazy thing: a week ago I was feeling sickly, was having weird pains in my side and had a very sore chest. I thought maybe I was pregnant, so I took a test -- and started my period that same day.

Today I woke up to the verse John 7:38 on my verse-a-day calendar. Since last week's cycle barely lasted 2 days I started thinking "well, maybe I am pregnant and God is telling me that I tested too early... after all, when has my system EVER been normal?!" Luckily this time I didn't have a test in the house; I started my real period an hour later.

Do you realize how often this nearly-identical scene has played itself out in my house? Honestly, I wonder if this mind game I play with myself will quit. Will I ever be able to give up this obsession? This is FAR from the first time I've had a "verse promise" or weird physical symptoms that got my hopes soaring -- only to be dashed by the negative lines on those stinkin' sticks. If only we'd purchased stock in the "preganancy test" market years ago. We'd be zillionaires just from those I've bought.

I've said it before: my God has blessed me with a husband that is my best friend. For over a year now, we have reserved Tuesday nights for Date Night. I have no doubt God had this planned -- what a perfect ending to such a day as this.

God has also blessed me with a group of women friends and a Mom that help me hold my head above the water. None has gone through what I'm going through, but none judge me for my pity parties either. And each of them love me, listen to me, cry with me and simply remind me that they are there should I need them.

And then, of course, there is my Madison Claire. She saw me crying earlier and just came and put her little bitty arms around me. What more could a Mom ask than the unconditional, unquestioning love of her angel?

Today is over. Amen.


Anonymous said...

Girl, I love you so much. You never know what God has in store for your womb. I do know that He has given you an amazing testimony and I marvel at the strength of your heart. What a blessing little Maddie is. :) Pity parties are good some times. It's lets us friends of yours serve a good purpose and lift you up.

Marie said...

Oh Neener! I am just reading this but please know that I am always here for you. I'm not sure if the "desire" for a plus sign on a pee stick will ever go away, I hope it does but if it doesn't, just know you are surrounded by people that love you and are always here for you DAY OR NIGHT!

Peace Out!

Michele said...

Hey friend - don't you wish He would just tell us the purpose in all of this?? Hang in there.

btw - you've been tagged